Oh, What I wouldn't give...

This is the day we dressed you...

Oh my strong Tama, 

My heart is tender today. I have been on this high of loving your balloon release and celebrating your life. Then that joy carried me into the celebration of your brothers birthday and how fortunate we are to have 3 boys. Soon after that was the celebration of the freedom of our country and I feel so fortunate to have selfless soldiers fighting for our freedoms. 

 In the time since those events, every reply to " how are you?" was followed with "I'm good." 

However, today my heart has plummeted. I feel like the scab has been ripped off and the wound is fresh. This is just part of grief son. It's something you never get over. It's something you never conquer; but it's something you learn to maneuver your way through as best you can.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to hold you one more time! What I wouldn't give to just touch your little toes and rock you to sleep. The anniversary of your due date is approaching in a couple of days and my heart is feeling the brutal sting of reality. 

I'm so grateful for the plan of salvation and the knowledge we have of knowing we will see you again, but sometimes the emotions of human nature get the best of me. And, when those emotions get the best of me, I cry. I cry for what could have been Tama. I cry from the physical ache of one less son to hold. I cry because I truly, deeply miss you and that's just fine. Crying is my new improved normal- a good normal- and it's totally healthy and healing. I miss you my sweet boy. I hope you'll check in on us today. We sure love feeling you near. I'll love you forever!

Love, Mommy 

You would be eating ice cream for lunch with your brothers today.