GOSH, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.......
Sooooooooo,
I’ve had this post pending in a DRAFT form for a couple weeks now. Then, the more time went on, the more it kept nudging at me to post it. I don’t even know if anyone reads our blog anymore, but my hope is that someone out there needed this (crazy long but informational ;) post… and if not… maybe I just really needed to get it off my chest. Brace yourself... and grab some ice cream people.. it's a lengthy one....
***Insert lots of heart emoji’s***
May 14th, 2018
Sometimes I wish I was the dog from the movie "Up". I wish someone could just attach the computer to my head and say exactly what I’m thinking, but I guess that’s not the way life is meant to be. (Although sometimes I do wonder what my dog is thinking. * squirrel!*
Anyhow, Mother’s Day was not the best day ever. I have taken on mode of having no expectation (good or bad) going into it, mostly because I never know what it’s going to be like. There are some mother days that are so great and some just plain stink!
This Mother’s Day, I guess you could say I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Actually, no, scratch that. It was just a tough day. We were late for church, I was beyond tired, plus I had this unrealistic expectation of breakfast in bed in my head when we had a super late event with friends the night before, everyone was grumpy about getting up and by 9am, no one in my house (aka my husband and kids) had even come close to acknowledging that it was Mother's Day..etc. etc. etc. So, by the time we got to church, I was probably walking in with steam coming out of my ears. And then, a few moments later, that’s when I realized
God really is in the details of our lives.
I literally am getting choked up just writing this, but this sweet young girl from our church, approached me and said, “Happy Mother’s Day” as she handed a cute little yellow gift bag to me. Her sweet spirit and smile spoke to my Heart and I felt like the ice around my heart had instantly melted! Inside the bag, was a cute note and a pack of gummy bears. After that, one of my sons turned to me and said, “ Oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”
I’m not gonna lie I was beyond irritated (with my son;) but I just quietly thanked Heavenly father for that sweet girl and her kind gesture that morning. It really made me feel like there are angels among us and they are watching over us and they know just when we need that little extra support to get us through the next few moments… or days. The rest of church was tough. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful for our sons that I still have here to raise on this earth and in this life, but it doesn’t take away from the newborn that I held in my arms.. that little innocent baby boy that was so close but so far…
and it doesn’t take away from the multiple pregnancy tests that filled us with Hope when they all had a positive pregnancy sign, only to lead us to agony and despair with each individual, heart breaking loss.
Honestly, I just couldn’t wait for the day to be over so that I could get that expectation of this magical day out of my head and just get to Monday.
It probably sounds like a horrible attitude, but I’m sure some of you mothers out there understand what I mean. If you don’t, I’m glad you don’t and I hope you never have to.
*Just for the record*
(The day did get a little better here and there when my hubby and boys made made me an amazing omelette and huge mexican hot chocolate after we got home from church. I also scored a nap, then we went to visit Tama's grave, I went to visit my Mom, and we finally went to sleep for the night.)
Yesterday I was grateful to have the day off work, to just have some time to myself… to think, to rest, and to spend some quality time with my niece. She is only one-year-old and her actions and words are so innocent (well most of the time Jshe is so smart and I adore her). I think being around her just gives me the pure joy that I am not being judged… that I’m simply just Aunty …and we can completely enjoy each other’s company. I’m going to miss her so much when she moves this summer!
(Yep, like I said this is all just real and raw, so #SorryNotSorry)
And it doesn’t stop there, I’m honestly just felt like hiding under a rock and trying to get away from it all, but then I look at the faces of those two boys- who are almost young men pretty much- and each night when I check on them while they are asleep my heart reminds me that in the end……………
everything is going to work out.
Today when I got home from work I knew I should go work out because I would feel better but I was honestly LOATHING the commitment I have made to run to the cemetery on his birthday. I was mad at myself for still needing to work out and not waking up at 5 AM this morning to go get it over with. I was dreading making dinner and quite simply the responsibilities of being a mother and wife. So, since I could feel the negative energy I was putting out to my family, I threw my running shoes on and told them I was going for a walk. I of course was then feeling the guilt of not even making dinner, having a sick child on the couch watching a movie, having mountains of unfolded laundry upstairs all over my room, having a dirty master bathroom because I refused to clean on Mother’s Day weekend, - Lyes so smart I know right? –
I was just feeling like there were so many things that needed my attention
RIGHT THEN,
but then I
realized if I am happy it shows
and that energy goes forward to everyone else around me. So, I put my shoes on, kicked all thse negative thoughts away and told the boys and Albert that I was going for a walk. Honestly as I started walking, I felt the sunshine on my skin and it just felt like love radiating into my heart. As I walked I felt this annoying nuisance of negativity in my brain saying come on is that all you can do you should be running, and then, off to my right I saw this hillside of flowers with a view of the some hills and the ocean all in the same glance and I
had this overwhelming feeling of peace!!
I had this overwhelming feeling and confirmation that it doesn’t matter if I run to the cemetery, walk to the cemetery, crawl to the cemetery, or if someone pulls me in a wagon on his birthday, I just need to set goals or be happy with whatever progress I can make. Unfortunately, like many of us moms out there, I tend to be super hard on myself and set some pretty intense goals so that I feel like I will push myself harder to achieve them…
and be someone in the COOL MOM club…
or be someone so amazing…
but I realized that the underlying tone of all of that is not so great. Don’t get me wrong, I still have huge beleifs in goal setting. I think it’s higly effective and has the ability to bring a ton of positive results, but I also think there are variable to consider when setting goals… I guess what I mean, is that at the end of the day, my son (and all those angel babies that we’ve lost) don’t love me any less if I run to the cemetery or drive to the cemetery or even go to the cemetery on his birthday. They care that I am doing my best, that I love their brothers and that I honor them all with joy and love. They care that I take time to stop.and think. and feel. and enjoy the truly important people and things in life that are right in front of me. They care that I take time to see the
beauty that still does exist in the world
despite the tempestuous times that are screaming in media, music, and life all around us.
I am so grateful for all the little tender mercies that our Heavenly Father sends my way. I am so grateful that He knows me and knows that I need Him and need the presence of all of these angels in my life to help pull me through the thickest moments when I can’t see through the fog of life. As I went on my walk I took multiple pictures of all those little glimpses of nature
They reminded me that
God is in the details.
All of those glimpses also reminded me that
all of our love ones
who pass really aren’t so far. At certain moments in time, it seems that way, but there are other moments where it seems like they are within arms reach and you could just reach out and touch their hand. In those moments I know that Heavenly Father is holding my heart and bearing it up. How grateful I am to have those moments, when life slows down and I’m able to have peace of mind and not beat myself up over my kids having chicken nuggets for dinner, or not sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor over the weekend, or laundry piling up and having to sort through million baskets just find the right pair of socks as we race out the door in the morning, or being in the best shape of my life.
TODAY, right then and there,
as I took time to just take a walk…….
to simply put shoes on, walk outside, put music on my headphones and inhale fresh air… that is when my mind clears and I feel the anxieties and strains of the world fade away.
It is not easy! I can tell you 100 times over that making the decision to just take a 30 minute pause on the demands of life… making that decision to put yourself first let everything else go is terribly scary and was painfully hard for me to mentally push all of it aside…
BUT, I cannot stress to you how important it is to do that.
I also realized today that music is a huge factor in pumping me up for exercising or working out or just getting me into the zone. I’m not going to lie, it may shock you, but sometimes it’s just those rap songs that get me going. - Maybe it’s the inner Snoop Dogg in me- IDK-…..
but whatever it is, it gets me pumped up and I know that I can do it.! It was the song called “Motivation” by James the Mormon that got me going today, and when I got to a certain point of my walk I decided to add in three sets of uphill sprints, and it probably just about killed me…
but I did it,
and I didn’t care who saw me or who was in the millions of cars passing by. I didn’t think about how hard I was breathing either. I just started at the bottom of the hill and ran as fast as I could to the top. By the time I got to the top I wanted to just fall on the ground and lay there until I caught my breath, but then as I rounded the stoplight, walked back down the hill and gave myself a chance to catch up, I felt so empowered. As I did this, I thought about the metaphor that those UPHILL SPRINTS were from my life. Actually, they are a metaphor for anyone’s life!
In life, there will be times where we feel like we are running a series of uphill sprints. We feel like the air is being sucked out of our lungs and we just don’t know how much we can handle. It is at those moments when we reach the top and we are literally feeling like our legs are going to fall out from underneath us that we should use the small fleeting moments of downhill rest time to recharge and to look at everything around us that is a blessing and a positive part of life and be grateful for those and focus on those things and recharge ourselves and spread that love and hope to others around us with the amazing energy that has been given to us. I’m not saying that simply doing this will give us all the answers or all of the energy we need to Empower us for the next set of uphill sprints, but I am saying that there will be uphill sprints and there will be downhill rest periods. If we just keep the faith and know that everything will be alright in the end, then at some point you have to do just what I did on the last sprint and walk the last half of the hill and tell yourself that it’s OK. You did your best and that’s all God asks of us. He won’t give us more than we can handle. It does seem like that at times, and may seem like that all of the time- like what He’s given us is just unbearable- and on some days it truly is, but when you are down and out and the day gets worse as it becomes night, please always REMEMBER this quote from one of my most favorite speakers in the world, “Joy cometh in the morning” (-Russel M. Nelson).
So, put on your shoes and even if you have to push a stroller or walk a dog or hold the hand of a two-year-old and walk around the park or run until you feel like your legs can’t run anymore,
DO IT!!!!
I can’t express how incredible the mental uplift and physical relief you will feel from simply giving yourself 30 minutes of moving around and being in fresh air. (Granted I am writing this post right after I have just finished my walk and sprints, so my endorphin level is on the high side, but that is all the more reason to feel how excited and joyful I am about it.) Life will always bring its struggles. They are the growing pains of life and it’s truly hard to endure them, but they do mold us into some amazing human beings.
I am still trying to do the best I can to make sure that I can run/jog really to the cemetery on Tamatoa’s birthday, but if I end up walking or decide to run somewhere else I know that anything I do to treat my body better and take time daily to connect with the powers of Heaven and the beauty around me, that in and of itself is an honor to my son and all of those angels that are part of our lives forever.
So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Take a walk, blast your rap music, feed your family chicken nuggets tonight, and know that
YOU ARE AMAZING!
Xoxo,
Felila
