I have been telling Albert for a while now that I want to get in shape and be the best I can be to be healthy for the boys we still have to raise here on earth. My goal was to be able to build up my stamina and run like I used to. ( by run I mean like jog run not sprint- just so we're clear... Maybe a brisk jog perhaps). Anyway, I want to be able to run an run to the cemetery on Tama's birthday of this year. On the day he was born everything hit me blind sided. My adrenaline kicked in along with pain killers and shock to get his funeral planned just how we wanted it to be( if there is such a way). Anyway, the day after his funeral I couldn't walk. I couldn't get out of bed . I was in a wheelchair almost everywhere we went, besides the house. This went on for a while and I thought my body would never heal or be back to the same it had been before becoming pregnant with him. I remember wanting to run out of the hospital and sprint back home the day they told us Tama had hydrops, but my body was far from capable of doing that.
So, I feel blessed is what I'm trying to say! I feel blessed that Heavenly father has seen fit for me to heal and to walk and sit and do a sit up ( yes just 1) because I thought that would never happen again! Yes, there are parts of my lower abdomen that 'til this day I cannot feel when I touch them. It used to make me sooooo mad! But, now I treasure the numb feeling because it is a reminder to me that I did give birth to Tamatoa and he is our son. He made a dramatic entrance into the world and now his spirit has left this life, leaving his body behind. I compare it to the nerves in my body that are still there, but aren't making the connection because they've been permanently damaged and some will never self repair. I can't physically feel those parts of my abdomen - to touch, but I know they're in there. I can't touch Tama or hold his hand or rub his toes because his body was also in a physical state of complete disrepair. Yet, I know he is real and he is watching over our family more than we know. We just can't see him and we have to have faith.
So: here is my declare:
I haven't decided the date yet, because it will either be tamas birthday 6/25/14 or his funeral anniversary, 7/5/14, but I will be jogging, running, walking, or crawling to the Cemetary, starting from our home and welcome anyone who would like to take on the challenge to join me in his memory.
(My ultimate dream would be to have lots of people and some sponsors for the event and do a fundraiser type deal and/or bake sale or something and make a fund for all the proceeds to go to families whose children have also died of hydrops and can't afford funeral expenses. That was the spot we were in. We weren't prepared with the financial means for a spontaneous funeral. We were just worried about the mass amounts of diapers that we would be buying for the next few years. Had it not been for generous family and friends, I don't know what we would've done. We are very fortunate to have such caring people in our lives. There are such amazing people who helped us bear the burden of his funeral costs and costs of living since Albert had to take so much time off of work to care for me. Some people aren't as fortunate as we were, so I feel a need to help those who are less fortunate in honor of Tama. "Because I have been given much, I too must give.")
I feel inspired when I run. I feel a renewed sense of who I am and who I want to become both mentally and physically. My picture today is of the wet road. I have decided that rain or shine, I need to commit to the goal that I have set. It actually felt really good to run in the rain today. The rain is so purifying. It washes all of the pollution away and gives everything a fresh look. Sometimes, I need a refreshed look on life.
A SHARED POST FROM OUR FAMILY BLOG
Dear Tama,
Today was another day of trying to unravel through the mass amounts of stuff I've let pile up for a long time. I was emptying out a basket and found a ziploc bag inside. At first glance knew just what it was and tried to shove everything back in the basket. I wanted to push it away until later, but then I stopped, took a deep breath and thought to myself "I have to open this bag".
This isn't the first time I've attempted this basket son. I saw it a couple weeks back and started taking things off the top, but when I got to the ziploc bag, I stopped and pushed it away.
Today, I've decided I needed to face the bag. It was a simple gallon sized bag with your precious little white onsie inside. It also had your comb and the (folded up) Children's Place bag from the clothes we bought the morning we dressed you. We didn't end up using your onsie because you were already carefully bandaged from neck to thighs from your autopsy. Instead we (Grandma, Grandpa, Daddy and I) put your white dress shirt on, your cute socks, and handsome black pants. Then I clipped your tie in the back and Daddy adjusted it just perfectly in the front. It was Daddy's idea to have you look like the missionary that you would be as we sent you off to other side of the veil.
I finally opened the bag Tama. I unfolded your onsie and put my face up to it to feel the pureness of how small and special it is. I smelled it and it has that baby smell. Smells have always been a big thing for me son. They are a sense we have within us that draw us to a memory. It breaks my hearts to pieces that I never had the chance to really hold you long enough to smell you. It's different for your daddy though. Because he was in the NICU with you cant by your side, he still remembers your sweet smell and that's how he knows when you're nearby. Your comb made me dream of the many baths I had planned on giving you and combing your hair afterward. We had big plans for you in our family Tama... Big plans of loving and cherishing you. But for now son, we have dreams... Dreams of that day when I won't have to smell your onsie or hold your comb without a head to comb. I have dreams of the day we will see you again... Oh Tama I can't wait! I miss you so much!
A SHARED POST FROM OUR FAMILY BLOG
Today I took the boys to an appointment after school to meet with the Eternal Hills Cemetary coordinator. I have so many sad faces in my mind about the boys not being able to see Tama, hold him in the hospital, or take part in a lot of the funeral preparations. It was such a busy time and I often have thoughts of " If I could've done this or that differently, I would have..." . Unfortunately, there is no turning back and there is only making the best of what's to come.
We haven't ordered Tamas headstone yet because I have been so indecisive of what should be on it. In my days of jogging, I had an "aww ha " moment and decided I would like the boys to add a personal message to Tama on there.
Today was the special day that they wrote their messages. It was actually a happy, tender moment to see them think from their heart about what they wanted to say to him.
Albert joined us after work and we got our draft in to the coordinator. I'm so glad the boys helped us with this. I hope they will always rememer this day.
May 22, 2014
PLAY DATES
I just got home from going to the mall with your Aunty Ashley and her girls. While we were there, we sat and watched the kids play at the play area. I saw a little boy there who was crawling around and standing up walking along the edge of things as he held on. I figured he had to be about 10 months, but I wasn't sure. When Aunty Ashley left to go change her baby, this little boy's mom began talking to me about her son and asked which kids were mine. I told her none of mine were there and that I had "two older boys in school, but my youngest son would've been 10 months. He was born last June and didn't make it."
In the past I have been reserved about who I share you with, because it makes some people feel uncomfortable or like they don't know what to say, but because of this reservation, I go home and cry and cry because you were not there with me. As a result, I have decided to share you whenever I want to because I need to. I shared a brief version of your life with her and wished her well with her new baby. It was not an easy thing to do son. I often wonder why it had to be you. I wonder why you had to go, but today I was proud of you. I was proud of myself for sharing you. I was proud that even though your life was short, your memory lives on in my heart, and in anyone I can share you with.
As soon as Aunty Ashley got back to the play area, she suggested we leave and I was grateful. I was fighting back the tears in front of that little boys mom Tama, because she has every reason to be happy with a 10 month old baby. Yet, it made me realize that (for now) there will be no play dates with all of your little 10 month old buddies. As soon as we exited the mall, I put my glasses on so my tears could stream. I miss you so much Tamatoa. Aunty Ashley hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. She is an angel in my life Tama… and I was so glad she was there for me today. You're on my mind everyday son, but today you're little fingers are tugging at my heart. I 'll never stop missing you son and wishing you were here. I love you!
Love, Mommy
