(Just so you can't say I didn't warn you, when this is titled "Real Talk", it means just that. No fluff and no sugarcoating, just plain Real. Read at your own discretion and if you don't understand, I'm glad you don't. )
Living without one of your children SUCKS!!! (My mom would cringe if she knew I used that word as an adjective, but that's the only possible way I can try to describe it right now.)
The roller coaster of grief is hard enough to deal with, but then life just throws in all the extra winds and turns! I feel like I'm on the set of the movie "50 first dates" where Lucy has to wake up every morning after her accident and watch a movie to remind her of her new life. Life will never be the same for her again because she has lost something she will never get back until she is made perfect in heaven.
This is exactly what I feel!!!
Every morning I wake up, look out my bedroom door (that look straight into Tama's room) and that view jogs my memory
"He came and went already Felila. You have two other boys depending on you now, so it's time to get up."
I'll tell you what… I don't have all of the answers in life, but I do know that God has a plan. I will honestly say that I'm not content with the life plan He has given me in regards to us having to live life without one of our sons here. There are days it feels like Hell! But, this much I do know! Heavenly Father knows us personally and is aware of our situations. I can 99.9% assure you that if He hadn't blessed us with two amazing boys in the first 3 years of our marriage, that after all the miscarriages and Tama dying I would not be standing sitting here today. And, by that I mean exactly what it says. I would not be sitting here (because it's one of those days I'm too sad to stand), alive, in a gospel centered home, with a dedicated, loving husband who works his tail off so I can be a stay at home mom, with my eternal family still united!
I got to a point last year where I didn't care if my kids went to school. I didn't care if the house was clean. I didn't care if I rotted to death in my bed. I was SO angry with God for taking my son and not giving me any answers through medical research. I was so mad that everyday I had to walk around with a heart that felt like it was going to burst out of my chest because the pressure and pieces couldn't hold anymore. I was SO upset that God let Tama's brothers (at ages 5 and 7) face the brutal reality of carrying their newborn brother (whom they had just finally met the day of his funeral) through the church hallway and into a hurst to load his tiny casket. I was so upset that we had to return everything that we bought for his nursery because it was too hard for my husband to see it everyday. I was so angry that God didn't let me look into my baby's eyes and and listen to his first cry. I was so angry that I never got to just say "I love you son" while he was conscious! And most of all, I was devastated that the only time I got to tuck my baby boy in, was after I dressed him for his funeral, then his Daddy laid him in his casket and I gently folded his cold hands together and tucked his innocent silk blanket around his tiny newborn body.
This, people…. this is the mental log that rewinds itself over and over in my brain again and again. Whether I have a smile on my face or tears streaming down, this is quite possibly the only thing that consumes my brain on a regular basis!
This…. this life experience has thrown me into the refiner's fire into scorching molding temperatures that I previously would've never thought I could bear. I don't exaggerate when I tell you that on many occasions I told Albert that I wish I had died in that operating room. I wished that the Lord could stop my heart so that it wouldn't feel so hard to breathe.
As days came and went, there came a TURNING POINT.
One morning my alarm went off and I knew I should wake the boys up, but my body wouldn't do what my brain was telling it to. The time ticked on and then
AJ walked into my room and asked,
"Mom, are you awake?"
I pulled the covers off of my face and said,
"Yes. I am. "
Then with a timid, scratchy voice and glossy eyes, he said
"Mom, I know you probably still don't feel good. And I know you probably still miss Tama, and I know you probably don't want to get out of bed, but it's 7:55 and I really think Shaye and I should go to school today if that's okay. Should I call grandma?… Orrrr…. should we ride our bikes? I know the way there Mom, I can help Shaye and you can just stay in bed. I'm sorry mom."
I couldn't even speak. My throat felt like it had a million knots in it and my heart felt like it had stopped beating. Tears filled my eyes and I quickly slapped a smile on my face, jumped up and said, "Nope, I'll take you. I'll take you. "
"Are you sure? I can really just get our bikes ready mom. It's okay. " AJ said.
REALITY hit a whole new level that day. For some reason, I hadn't connected the facts that even though people say, "The choices you make today, will affect your tomorrow"~ what that really means is, "The choices you make today (when you're a mom and/or a wife or have people depending on you) will affect your whole family indefinitely"
I am certain that AJ's sweet timid approach to me that morning was heaven sent. I am certain that his brother helped him realize that he needed to help his mommy snap out of it. I am certain that God placed AJ and Shaye in my life for a reason, because I can guarantee you that if that day had not come, that today I would be divorced, even more depressed, a deadbeat mother and a quitter of life. It is soooo easy to give up, but that's why it's easy.
Tama's death has brought our little family a lot closer together. It has helped my boys learn compassion on a level that I would never comprehend at such a young age. It doesn't mean we are "over it" and that we have moved on. It just means that life moves forward and we can either ride it out or get off the train.
Sidenote: This quote has been a foundation for our family to build on since Tama died.
"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." -Jeffrey R. Holland
This is one of our favorite video's with this quote!
This past November, we miscarried shortly after our return from our 10 year anniversary trip to Hawaii. The boys didn't even know I was pregnant (until after) and it was still early, but the devastation triggered a lot of feelings and emotions richocheting back. From the moment I found out we were pregnant, I honestly thought this was our break and Heavenly Father would give us the best pregnancy and baby with no complications. I don't understand why He sees fit for us to experience trials over and over again, but like I said earlier, I don't have all the answers. I do understand now though, that if I give up, then my boys will think it's okay to give up, and I can't have my choice of quitting, affect their faith in the future.
So when you think "I wish they would have another baby" or question us "When will you have another baby?" consider this: We have tried… we don't feel like giving up on that quite yet, but….
No amount of babies will fill the void in our hearts that is so emptily aching for Tama to be back.
This is the bold truth: Imagine your children standing in a row and God telling you to choose which one you would have die . Once that child is gone, it doesn't matter how many you already have or how many you will have. There will always be a void in that spot where that child stood!!! AND, nothing .. and I mean NOTHING ~ will fill the void in our hearts until the day we leave this earth and experience the hugest, long-awaited, perfect Hug, from Tamatoa... that we've waited our whole lives for!!! I guess there really are things worth waiting your whole life for!
REAL TALK!
*So when you're wishing someone else could just put the kids to bed, make sure you take the time to tuck them in at night! And even if it's been a terrible day and you're at your wits end, remember that there are some mommy's and daddy's who wish they could still tuck their kids in at night* #TheGrassIsAlwaysGreener
Love…
Felila
Felila
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