Taking a step...

Over the past week or so, we've rearranged some things upstairs. For the past two years I've tried to figure out what we should do with Tama's room. It still had his dresser and changing table in it. His crib, swing, and extras were all returned after the funeral, but we recently hung his name up in there (something I had tried to get done before he was even born). We put a little love seat in there about a year ago. We put a TV in there to watch movies as a family at night in a more cozy spot. We've juggled ideas back an forth on what to do with it. It may seem like it's not a big deal, but the thought of completely removing any or all of his stuff from that room just sends me into a spiral of despair. It has worked well with what it was. I can't tell you how many late nights Albert and I have sat up there on that love seat watching movies, folding laundry, sitting in silence, having conversations about our day, the boys, the hurt, the joy and the stories of life. It's quite a special room if you ask me.

About one month ago I suggested we switch things around. Sometimes when I think of the boys, I think of just AJ and Shaye, then I put Tama in a totally separate part of my brain. Yes, a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's not physically here with us, but the whole "separate rooms" thing was not doing anything to help that. So, we moved the boys into Tama's room. I just couldn't bear the thought of completely taking down his stuff, so we decided that it could be the 3 boys room. I know he watches over his brothers all the time anyway, so this little transition has made me feel like he's even more a part of them now. It is so cute to see all three of their names on the wall. Sometimes just seeing their names all together helps to remind my heart that they are ALL 3 ours! It reminds me that one day they will ALL 3 be together, so I guess we are just preparing for eternity right?! I put some cute pictures up and hung all three names up, and when the boys walked in to see it for the first time, they said "Wow! Mom this is soooo cool!"

I don't know why, but this has felt like a huge step for us. I don't want to say this it's a huge step forward, nor is it a huge step backward, but it definitely is a step! It's some type of movement to keep going in life. Once you loose a child, you often hear, "Well just keep moving forward." or " You just have to know he's in a better place and move on." The reality is, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. There is never a day that goes by that you don't miss the child that is missing. There is never a family experience that you don't think "I wish my Tama was here to do this with us." It's simply the new frame of mind that my brain has taken on. At first I worried what others would think, or was frustrated with myself for not "moving forward" fast enough, and then I realized that doesn't need to happen. There is no need to move past the feeling of despair that I feel knowing my son isn't here. However, the key is: I have to be careful not to let that despair overtake the mother that I am to AJ and Shaye and the wife that I am to Albert. I can't let that happen because I know Tama wouldn't want me to do that. That being said, I still have totally bad days, occasionally bad weeks, and sometimes even bad months where the thick of it is just too much and I just have to make sure I wake up each morning and if nothing else, make sure my boys are safe and fed for the day. And, this is okay! I know that Heavenly Father knows that I'm doing my best, even when I don't think my best is good enough. That is all that matters, because I know that if  Christ were right here with me, he wouldn't say "Get off the couch and make something of your day!" on one of my hard days. Instead, he would "mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" because that is what the pure love of Christ is, Charity and compassion. There have been days when I couldn't take a step, and on those days, I'm positive, the Lord has carried me.