June 23rd

This morning we woke up and I was looking forward to the next few days. Albert took some time off of work  so that we could spend some QT with the boys around Tama's birthday. The boys voted for bowling this morning, so we headed there first. Although my heart has been tender lately, I haven't felt too emotional (besides yesterday when our sweet little neighbor -age 5- dropped off an early cupcake for Tama's birthday, then my eyes went full glossy - but in a good way). I don't know if it's just the fact that I've done a lot of tear shedding in the last two months, that made me feel all cried out, or if life is just so busy that I haven't had time, or it could be the usual numbness that tends to fade in and out this time of year. Either way, every day is different and that's what life has become. So, today while we were bowling, there was a group of special needs adults and young adults that were bowling right next to us. They had two ever so patient caretakers accompanying the group and every time it was my turn to bowl, I couldn't help but stop and watch them bowl. It was the sweetest thing ever. They are like sweet innocent children when they are bowling. I've always thought that it truly takes special people to care for those who are special in their needs. As I observed their tender love and care from our lane,  my heart was so touched because I often wonder if Tama were still alive today, would he have special needs because of the amount of fluid that caused damage to his body? If so, I am certain that if he were here today my gratitude for people who are so patient in their profession of caring for those with special needs would be even greater because of the support and assistance they would provide for our son. - It took everything in me to not embrace these two sweet workers with a huge hug. (I resisted for the sake of them thinking I was randomly insane, and instead spoke to one of them as they were leaving.) I briefly explained to her that we were bowling in celebration of our son's 3rd birthday coming up, and said that it was a possibility that he would've had special needs if he were still alive today. I thanked her for her example and let her know that although I'm sure the days are long and require much patience, they are doing a wonderful job and to keep up the great work because others are watching. A smile spread across her face and she thanked me. ( I wish I could've handed her a ticket to a cruise or some dream vacation after that, but hopefully she found comfort and inspiration in the words of admiration instead.) 

After bowling we headed to Costco for the big grocery haul and then headed home. After unloading everything, I sat down in the garage for a minute to talk to Albert while he rearranged some things. Then it hit! A trigger that sent me from talking to Albert one minute to an onslaught of tears the next minute. 

Trigger: anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions. (Dictionary.com)

It wasn't anything that would seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of life, but it sent me into a whirlwind of tears. One of our sweet neighbor boys rode by on his scooter ever so slowly with his little sister riding along too. He had brought two basketballs along for them to play with. Although his baby sister had no chance of making an actual basket from her little two foot frame, he encouraged her and helped her with full intent. It was the sweetest sight to behold!

 Their age gap is closely comparable to AJ and Tama's age difference. As I watched the interaction continue, tears burned my eyes and I must've stopped talking at some point, because Albert turned to me and said 

"What are your thoughts honey?"

The lump in my throat was too big and I couldn't speak. He walked over to me, wiped the tears off my face. 

"Honey?" he repeated.

I choked on the words as they came out, "Sometimes life just seems so unfair." 

As he embraced me with a huge hug, he agreed "Yes it is, it really is." 

I truly believe that God is in all of the details of our lives. 

-- I think I am hash tagging that as the theme for Tama's third birthday anniversary. --

I don't doubt that this little sight to see was just what I needed today. I love our neighbors and am so grateful to live in such an incredible neighborhood. My feelings of "unfairness" were not feelings of envy towards these two sweet children, but feelings of love and wishes for what could have been if Tama were still here.

Albert sat down in the bed of his truck and asked me to join him. We spent the next 2 hours sitting in there talking about the days leading up to Tama's birth, the hopes and dreams we had for him, how today alone would've been different bowling with a three year old, the experiences the boys have missed out on without Tama here, watching the video of Tama's 1st birthday anniversary/balloon release, crying together, laughing together, sharing more thoughts and feeling a surge of love for our sweet son. 

I am so grateful for times like these. I feel truly blessed to have a husband who is so patient and compassionate. During this time of year, some of my raw emotions from the day we lost Tama start to resurface. It is in those moments that I can quickly feel the influence of evil trying to remind me of differences in decision that Albert and I experienced on that day and in the days, months and years after. It does not take a lot for me to get upset and feel extreme heart ache and anger towards Albert when that negativity floods my brain. In fact, my brain wandered off a few times today to those moments of heartache and frustration. I felt like a scab had just been ripped off of a huge wound and I just wanted the day to be over. Then, in the moments like today, when he stops everything he is doing and sits with me in the bed of a truck, holding me while I open my aching heart - my heart is full and my tears are shed with unexplainable love. 

We spent the rest of the evening having dinner with the boys and watching music videos that remind us of Tama, like Home (by Blake Shelton), To Make You Feel My Love (by Adele), and Stay (by Sugarland). 

Some days, that's just what you need. I have learned, and continue to learn, that loosing a child is something you never get over, it's just something you learn to live with. Every day is different. Every birthday is bittersweet. Every anniversary of his death and his funeral provokes wide ranges of emotion. Every time someone asks you how many kids you have, you wish they were all still alive. Every time you see a child that is the age yours would be, you wonder how that much time has passed. It is truly life as we know it. It is different and it is often very hard, but

to all of the mothers out there who are fighting this battle...

Or to anyone really who has lost a loved one who has a piece of your heart,

my heart is with you and 

MY PRAYERS ARE FOR YOU!

 I hope and pray that your receive the support you wish for during your hours of crying, hours of smiling and memories of love.

xoxo, 

Felila 

p.s. - Mommy loves you Tamatoa!

#GodIsInTheDetails